Is It Really About the Dishes? Understanding the Deeper Needs Behind Repeated Conflict in Relationships
It’s painful when you keep having the same argument over and over again in your relationship, especially when nothing ever seems to get resolved. Maybe one of you keeps trying to bring things up while the other avoids the conversation. Over time, these patterns can leave you both feeling disconnected, stuck, and wondering if things will ever get better.
In my work with couples, I often see what’s known as a pursue and withdraw or pursue and distance cycle.
One partner, the pursuer, may raise concerns and push to talk things through, often feeling anxious until they receive reassurance. The other partner, the distancer, may shut down or pull away in hopes of avoiding conflict or maintaining peace. Neither person feels truly heard or emotionally safe. Each partner is trying to protect the relationship in their own way, but they unintentionally reinforce a painful dynamic.
It might feel like the arguments are about money, housework, parenting, or sex. But underneath, something deeper is happening.
At the heart of this cycle is something profoundly human: the longing to feel close and connected.
We are wired for connection. From the moment we’re born, we need to feel loved, safe, soothed, and known. As adults, those needs don’t go away. We still long for that kind of emotional closeness, especially in our most important relationships. When we reach out to our partner, we’re often asking in quiet or not-so-quiet ways: Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do I matter?
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), the model I use, helps couples move beyond the surface content of arguments and into the emotional heart of what’s really going on.
Instead of staying caught in blame or defensiveness, couples begin to recognize the cycle they’re in and learn how to turn toward each other with more openness and vulnerability.
Together, we work to identify the deeper emotions and unmet attachment needs that drive the conflict.
We slow down. We practice naming those needs in more tender, honest ways. And we begin building new ways of responding to one another that create more safety and trust.
Over time, these new conversations begin to shift things. Couples start to experience each other differently. They feel more emotionally accessible, more responsive, and more engaged. That’s what helps rebuild a secure, lasting bond.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the same painful patterns.
Change is possible. Even if your relationship feels like it’s barely holding on, there is hope—and you are not alone.
If you’re considering starting couples therapy, I would be honored to walk with you. This is tender work, but it’s also incredibly meaningful. Relationships can heal, and it is possible to grow closer, even after years of feeling far apart.
You can also explore more through the books Hold Me Tight or Created for Connection by Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of EFT.
Whenever you're ready, feel free to reach out. I’d love to help you reconnect.